


Innerworkings

by tokiidokii



Category: No Straight Roads (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Caretaking, Chronic Pain, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Massage, Mentions of War, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sickfic, Vomiting, just a bit tho, lots of cyborg anatomy headcanons in here, more or less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28871418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokiidokii/pseuds/tokiidokii
Summary: A malfunction in Neon J's cybernetics causes him to become temporarily ill. While caring for him, DJ Subatomic Supernova uncovers some of Neon J's deep seated issues.(Neon J might have discovered one of Nova's, too.)
Relationships: DJ Subatomic Supernova/Neon J.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 110





	Innerworkings

"Onto our next order of business," Tatiana droned from the opposite end of the conference table. "The proposed energy tax bill and how NSR intends to counter it."

DJ Subatomic Supernova leaned back a little in his chair, thankful that his face could not betray him with an expression of boredom. He meant no disrespect to Tatiana - after all, she was one of the more intelligent people he knew. But of all the glitz and glamor of NSR, the spotlight and the fame, parties and excitement...meetings that usually could have been summed up in a few paltry emails were not one of them. And ever since the incident with a certain meddling rock band, there was no shortage of incessant meetings.

His gaze wandered across the meeting room. Each district manager was present. Eve, those Sayu kids, Yinu and her mother...All present except a certain Neon J. Though 1010 rarely attended these meetings since they weren't actually required and tended to serve as major distractions, Neon J showed up punctually to each and every one. He almost felt guilty, as they had not yet talked today. Nova simply assumed they would meet here and grab dinner afterwards. But Neon J was a competent, capable man. Surely he could take care of himself without Nova fretting like some overbearing mother hen. Nova had almost lost focus completely when the sound of the doorknob turning snapped him out of his thoughts. How foolish he was for worrying, Nova chuckled to himself.

Neon J pushed the door open, posture slightly hunched as he leaned against the support of a silvery white cane. He waved to Tatiana, slipping around Eve's chair to reach his spot next to Nova.

"Apologies for the delay, ma'am!" He greeted with a salute. Everyone turned in unison to see how Tatiana might respond.

"You are indeed fifteen minutes late." She replied. "You're usually on time. Just try not to let it happen again."

"Yes ma'am!" Neon J barked. Nova gave the top of Neon J's empty chair a slight turn in his direction, and he fell back into it gratefully. Finally, he balanced the handle of the cane on the edge of the table, then heaved a sigh. 

Now, Nova felt concerned.

"Alright." Tatiana peered down at some papers. "As I was saying…"

"Getting old on me, are you?" Nova prodded in a low voice as he disguised the concern in his voice with light amusement. Neon J took no offense and chuckled.

"Everyday I wake up, I feel as if I'm a little older." He titled his screen back in a motion Nova had concluded long ago represented something of a mock eye roll.

The meeting progressed, and Nova genuinely tried to pay attention for the remaining hour. However, his vision kept wandering back to Neon J. He tried not to stare, not that anyone could tell. But Neon J was obviously slumping in his seat, arms folded and screen titled back against the headrest. The whirring of his internal fans picked up, which Nova suspected was intentional once he picked up the tail end of a breathy sound from underneath the roaring. To the others, he supposed, it was nothing more than quiet ambient noise. 

It felt like an eternity before Tatiana dismissed the artists. A cloud lifted from over the table, and everyone relaxed as Tatiana gathered her things. The Sayu children began bickering playfully over where they should go for dinner, while Eve asked Yinu's mother a question, much to Yinu's impatient chagrin. Nova turned to Neon J and saw him bracing himself on the arms of his chair.

Nova held out his hand. After a noticeable moment of hesitation, Neon J grasped it and rose to his feet. 

"You appear to be...off." Nova stated. 

"Just one of those off days." Neon J answered and reached for his cane. Nova took a step back and tried not to hover.

"I understand." He did not, and Nova hated not understanding. "Are we...on for dinner, tonight?"

"Mmm…" Neon J headed for the door, so Nova trailed behind him. "I'm sorry. Not tonight. I'm….too tired."

"Unfortunate, but your health is priority. Perhaps next time."

The pair walked to the elevator, and Nova noted Neon J nearly hobbled now. A tremor ran through his legs as the elevator passed the fifth floor, then the fourth, the third, second, and opened at the first. Nova held open the front door for Neon J, who thanked him automatically. As he began to circle around the building to the back parking lot, Nova's stomach sank.

"J." He stepped forward. "Do you take me for a fool?" 

"'Course not!" Neon J stopped in his tracks. "But I can gladly ask for assistance when I need it. I'm no coward."

"'Course not." Nova shot back. Neon J tilted his screen back.

"Listen. This just isn't something you can help with."

"Ugh! Well I certainly can't help if I don't know-"

His cane slipped from his grip, and Nova knew Neon J was falling before he did. Nova's hand shot out and his arm stretched far across the sidewalk to break his fall. He felt Neon J's smaller fingers claw into his palm as he tried too late to catch himself. The rest of Nova's body quickly caught up.

"Thanks." Neon J muttered. His legs shook as he tried to stand up straight. 

"If nothing else, you're in no state to drive." Nova curled his hand around Neon J's shoulders. 

"Well…" He leaned against his touch into his broad chest. If Neon J was too stubborn to ask for what he wanted, Nova would simply give. 

"Rest at my place for a short while. God knows you won't be able to relax if you go straight to those rowdy frat boys at home."

"My 1010 are perfectly well behaved." Neon J huffed. "But when they see me in this state, it always makes them upset...if you're certain."

"As sure as there are stars in the sky."

The limo arrived not a moment too soon. Nova gently grabbed Neon J's hands and noted they were trembling. Neon J seemed to startle at the gesture until he realized it was almost entirely pragmatic, lowering himself onto the seat and scooting back to give the other some room. Nova treated the cane a little more haphazardly, picking it up and tossing it into the floorboard of the car. It clattered open.

The lid had popped off. Something sharp glinted in the dim car light.

"That's a sword?" Nova pointed at it. "That's a sword." 

"Yep. That is a sword." Neon J confirmed with a laugh. The genuine sound eased some of Nova's tension. "You never know, you know? I'm vulnerable right now!"

"And they call _me_ extra…" He sighed as he entered the limo. 

Whatever reassurance Neon J's good spirits had given him vanished quickly after that. The man had gone quiet again, head awkwardly leaned against the corner of the seat and the window with his arms pressed tightly to his body. His breathing came out of the air ports on the back of his head in a slight wheeze. He was still trembling. 

Perhaps the man was hot? Or cold? Could Neon J feel hot or cold? Maybe he had fallen ill. But could a person with only their organs left fall ill? If the ailment affected a remaining organ, he surmised. Was the man running a fever? Was that even possible? 

With each frenzied question, it dawned more and more on Nova.

He had almost no idea how Neon J...well...worked. They had been dating for months, known each other for years, been on vacations together...but Nova had almost no answers to any of his questions. He forced himself to back up. Start with the facts. What did he know about Neon J, physically?

He was a cyborg. He had heard how Neon J had lost an arm in one of his long, strangely engrossing stories, once, but never the rest. After all, questioning a _person of cybernetics_ about how they became a cyborg was considered a major faux pas in polite society. One rarely became a cyborg on purpose.

Neon J still had a brain, of course, and performed the functions to keep it living. He required sleep, as well as nightly charging to keep his non-organics running. He also ate, though he exclusively consumed liquids through a small port located on his neck under the screen. He could cough and breathe. And if he had a brain that required rest, nourishment, and oxygen, then logically, his body must maintain some form of temperature stasis to keep it alive. 

This failed to put him much closer to his goal of a diagnosis, though it did give him a few theories to work with. Perhaps he had a low battery, or just a run-of-the-mill illness. 

"We're here." Announced the limo driver in the front. 

"Thank y-" Nova cleared his throat. "Thank you."

He snapped out of his thoughts. He quickly put the sword back together and tucked it under his arm. He swung open the door and stepped out before holding his hand out to Neon J once more. Neon J curled his sharp, metallic hands around Nova's soft, fleshy one. 

"Come now." Nova coaxed in a soft voice reserved for precious few. He slid him out of the vehicle and onto his unsteady feet.

Now Nova hovered, careful as he led him into the building. He tried to get a read on his partners emotions, which was difficult enough on its own, but Neon J currently seemed too focused on the task of putting one step in front of the other. They made it to the inside of the elevator before Neon J's legs finally gave out.

"'M going down!" He announced, barely tipping towards the floor before Nova caught him. 

"No, you're not." Nova turned him around and scooped him up into his arms. 

"Sorry." 

"Shh."

Nova carried him the rest of the way to his room. Really, he only needed one arm for it, so he shifted his hold on Neon J to feel around for his keys in his back pocket. The previously forgotten cane-sword clattered to the floor, much to his irritation. Nova simply sighed, unlocked the door, and gave the cane an unceremonious kick through the entrance. He would retrieve it later. 

Nova crossed through the threshold and took Neon J straight to the bedroom. His body was limp and easily manipulated onto the top of Nova's large, circular bed. The fluffy comforter resembled something of a swirling galaxy, and it peeled back to reveal dark blue sheets underneath. He perched the other man against the headboard and slowly removed his jacket. 

"Will you finally tell me what on earth is going on here?" Nova demanded, stern yet soft. "You said you'd experienced this before. You also allowed me to take you to my home. It must not be life threatening, surely, or any other serious cybernetic malfunction."

"Keen as ever." Neon J complimented as he allowed himself to be undressed.

Once he was in just his sweater, Nova leaned him back against the plush pillows. Unsatisfied, Nova took a seat on the bed next to him and pulled him against his chest. Neon J's shaking was prominent, every muscle in his body trembling with strain.

"Apologies. I didn't mean to worry you. It's just...I don't know.” Neon J took a few measured breaths. “Embarrassing. I have been through so much worse."

"Embarrassing?" For someone of Nova's status, perhaps. But Neon J had no need to feel embarrassed. "Clearly, whatever you're going through is still an ordeal."

"Have you ever heard of 'phantom limb syndrome', Nova?"

"Of course. The brain's neurological map of the body is left incomplete after a traumatic incident, leading to-" He stopped. "How much of you is cybernetic, again?'

"You're getting it, soldier. I suffer from something similar. My body is made up of state of the art technology, with complex cybernetic muscles….and, ha...advanced touch sensors that can-" His voice grew hoarse before he broke off into a moan, digging into the fabric of Nova's jacket.

"But your brain is not." He answered. 

"Bingo. Brain thinks everything's the same...but almost my whole body's gone. I can feel pain and all manner of sensations in most of my body thanks to cybernetic nerve endings. Pain's an integral sense to have, you know. It's saved my ass more times than I can count. But...sometimes everything miscommunicates...malfunctions all over start to- start to-'' He curled in on himself as his body rattled violently.

"Shhh, slow down." It relieved Nova a bit to know this condition was psychosomatic rather than something possibly life threatening, but that vulnerable tone in his voice still frightened him. He waited for it to pass. "What do you require to fix it? Or must it simply run its course?"

"Well…" Neon J went lax again. "Usually, if my cybernetics go into battery saving mode, everything will shut off but my vitals. I'll go into an unconscious state and need to recharge. The system reboots itself when it reaches fifty percent, and that resets the connections."

"How do you achieve battery saving mode?"

"Like anything else." He shrugged weakly. "Let the battery run down."

"What...what percentage are you at currently?" Nova dared to ask.

"Twenty-seven percent." Neon J answered without missing a beat. "Plug me in after I power down, understand? It'll kick in at fifteen percent. After that, I have six hours of reserved power, so it's not instantly life or death, but without that I _will_ die."

"You have nothing to fear." His voice reassured, but his stomach dropped at the implications. Neon J hummed an affirmative response, and went quiet. 

After a few minutes, Nova slowly, carefully convinced Neon J and his unwilling body to lie down. He eased him onto his side, still laying in a fetal position up against Nova with his screen to his massive chest. He relaxed minutely, but his voice was hoarse and haggard as he breathed. It gradually formed a slower, more measured pace as the minutes stretched on, but it was growing off rhythm. If only Neon J had something more to go off of to assess his condition - a pallor in his skin, sweat dripping down his face, some kind of emotion other than the pinging of his screen. 

Wait. 

Nova listened for a moment, and realized the sound was increasing in speed.

"J?" Nova craned his neck to look down and saw the sonar spinning in dizzy, too-fast circles.

"Apologies...I…" He took in a shallow breath. "I don't feel so good."

"Apologizing is unnecessary. Anyone would feel ill in your position."

"N-no, Nova, as in- I'm going to- I need to-" Neon J forced himself up with his hands around his neck.

"Oh," Nova shot up in recognition of what was happening. "Oh. I had no idea you- right, alright. Okay."

Nova dashed to the corner next to his desk strewn with papers to retrieve the empty trash can underneath. He had no clue what Neon J was about to expel, so he could only hope the plastic liner would suffice. Admittedly, his curiosity begged to know how this would even work.

Neon J hunched over the basket in a pretty typical fashion. He stared at it in what Nova could only assume was Neon J's final attempt to fight off nausea, which only lasted for a moment before he lurched forward. Unable to assist any further, Nova placed his hand on his back. The muscles there tensed and contracted, just as they would on anyone else, before Nova heard Neon J's food intake port on his throat click open. That certainly made the most logical sense, now that Nova thought about it. 

The loud, autotuned retching that followed was certainly not a sound Nova thought he would ever hear before this moment. It might even be amusing were it not for the context of the situation. It continued long enough that he began to wonder if Neon J had anything to expel, or even if he could. 

Finally, Neon J pulled in his knees and bent double as a weak stream of liquid trickled out into the receptacle. The acrid stench of bile flooded the room, and only then did it dawn on Nova that he had been gawking. He felt mildly disgusted, but it was admittedly far less revolting than watching a regular person be ill.

Neon J coughed as Nova rubbed slow circles between his shoulder blades with his thumb. He gagged, the plastic trash bin beginning to crack under his shaking, mechanical grip. He forced in a stuttered breath, only to choke and start gasping for air. His cooling fans suddenly roared into a frenzy, and Nova felt his hand growing warm. 

"J, you're overheating. Stay calm." Nova pressed a little harder into his back. "Don't fight it. You're okay. Let it run its course."

It took a few more unproductive heaves before he seemingly began to calm down. The port clicked shut, indicating he must be finished. The trash can slipped out of his hands onto the floor with a soft thunk. Too weak to sit up, he slumped over onto Nova's lap. Staring down at his back, Nova clasped the zipper of his sweater and removed it in order to keep his overtaxed machinery from overheating further. While doing so, he caught a better glimpse of the back of his monitor - two watery trails had somehow leaked out of the air intakes in the back. No wonder he had struggled to breathe.

"S-sorry you had to see that…" He tried to push himself up, but his trembling arms only supported his weight for a few inches. "Tried not to, but when it hurts, I start-"

Nova plucked a tissue from the box on the nightstand with his free hand. He cleaned off the mess dripping from his monitor in a slow, gentle wipe. For good measure, he reached around the front and wiped the entrance to his food port as well. Neon J lowered himself back onto the bed.

"Th-thank you." Neon J said feebly. "I'm sorry this is so disgusting."

"It's no issue." Nova picked him up under his arms and guided him onto his back. "I simply didn't know it was possible."

"Yeah." Neon J replied, and Nova had a feeling he had said the wrong thing.

"You appear to not have eaten today." He quickly changed the subject.

"Negative." The pinging of his monitor had slowed with the ebb of nausea, as if it took all his effort just to keep spinning and blinking. His screen swayed and nodded. "Too nauseous. And becoming ill...taxes my cybernetics. I try to avoid it."

"Little wonder you're so weak." Nova stood up. "Let me get you some water at least-"

"Wait-" Bulky, metallic fingers dug into Nova's jacket at his elbow and tugged. Neon J had newfound energy, if only for a moment. "You can't desert me." 

"I'm not. It will only take a minute." His large fingers slid around Neon J's and removed them in a gentle motion. He bent down and pulled the drawstring on the trash bag. "I at least need to change the liner. The stench will linger all night, otherwise."

"Oh...oh yeah...I can't- and I forgot that-" Neon J shook his head. "I'm acting pathetic. Proceed."

"J...you're acting far stronger than I would be, were I in your position."

The honest admission hung in the air. DJ Subatomic Supernova had many strengths and few weaknesses, and even fewer he would ever admit to. But he would be an outright fool to believe he had a higher pain tolerance than someone who had endured cybernization, let alone whatever tenacious, indestructible force that composed Neon J's unbreakable spirit. He might even truly admire the man as an equal, though that confession would wait for another day. 

"Be quick…" Neon J said, voice small. For now, his head and shoulders relaxed onto the bed. 

"I will." 

Nova took the bag and put it into the larger kitchen trash can immediately. Perhaps it was exactly because of normal Neon J's iron will that he felt so disturbed to see him this way. Of course, he was keenly aware Neon J had a lot of issues going on that Nova could not begin to ever fathom, even with his incredible intelligence. Neon J had yet to open up about hardly any of them, but Nova had an inkling. After all, the knowledge of killing, almost dying, witnessing death firsthand...that could only be obtained through the most harrowing experiences. Nova never thought he would thank the stars for being ignorant.

He rolled his shoulders and retrieved a glass from the cabinet. Such matters could be sorted out later. He took the filtered water pitcher from the fridge and poured some into the glass. The rarity of Neon J's current vulnerable state meant he must push through. He opened up a drawer and pushed a box of paper straws labeled 'REGULAR' out of the way in order to reach the box of plastic straws labeled 'NEON'. Many people depended on Nova, but never had Neon J needed him so openly. Once a straw had been placed into the glass, he returned to the bedroom.

Much to Nova's relief, nothing had changed in those few minutes. Neon J lay back in bed, possibly staring at the ceiling. 

"Take a small drink." Nova urged at his bedside. His hand easily slid under Neon J's form and tilted him up. 

"That straw…" Neon J sucked in a breath before he continued. "...better not be that hipster paper crap you tried to strangle me with last time." The tired quip encouraged Nova more than it probably should.

"It's not. Drink." 

Neon J's feeding port clicked open. Nova stood there, staring at the small hole a little dumbfounded. Neon J made no move to do anything. 

"Well…?" Neon J didn't wait for an answer and grabbed Nova's hand with a loose grip. "You're not close enough to my mouth."

"O-oh."

Nova allowed himself to be guided towards his screen. He tilted the straw down with a finger as they reached the port, just a little, and watched as it slid into place. In the quiet of his room in the late evening, Nova could just hear the slow whirr of Neon J's systems suctioning up a few small sips of water. Once Neon J pushed on his hand, he pulled back and watched the port click back closed.

"Okay...I'm good…"

"Excellent job. Thank you." Nova praised as he set the glass aside. The bed sank with his weight as he joined him on the mattress. Neon J's long, thin arms snaked around his waist.

"'M tired…" 

Nova let out a little 'shhh' and found himself rubbing light circles into his back for comfort. His hand could easily envelope his whole torso, so really, all he needed was a couple of fingers to do the trick. Circumstances of his body or otherwise, Neon J would sometimes be unreceptive to physical contact. But today was not one of those instances, and he actively curled into the touch with a shuddering sigh Nova couldn't quite interpret. The curve of a distinctly human spine raised under the synthetic layer of skin. Nova made a mental note.

The form on top of him had just started to grow heavy when Neon J jolted awake once more. Nova had already zoned out, and he startled with him as a result. Neon J sucked in some air and slowly rotated the ball and socket joint in his exposed shoulder. If Nova listened hard enough, it was possible to hear the subtle creaking and puttering of machinery. 

"Nauseous?" Nova tensed, just in case.

"Cramp." 

Nova acknowledged him with a hum. It must have passed, because Neon J stopped and settled back down. The sound of his monitor beeping grew softer and weaker as the minutes dragged on. Each soft, wheezing breath grew a little longer as Neon J finally began to drift. His cooling fans slowed to a relaxed hum instead of a harsh buzzing. 

"I'm about to power down...Please, please plug me in." He pleaded, voice popping with slight static.

"I know what to do."

At last, the radar on his screen blinked off. After a moment, the backlight dimmed. LOW BATTERY flashed on the display in angry red, along with scrolling emergency contact information should Neon J ever power down without warning or away from home. Thankfully, there was no place safer than Nova's bedroom.

Nova slowly slid from the bed, as if any sudden movement or noise might wake his companion. He opened the night stand and grabbed Neon J's spare charging cable from the drawer. The long length of cord unraveled as it was pulled out. His large fingers delicately plugged the small jack into the hole underneath his monitor located next to his neck. The other end went into the wall socket, of course. Immediately, the BATTERY LOW on his screen turned to a more neutral white, and the frantic emergency text vanished. In its place flashed a small 'Charging…'. 

Nova gazed down at him, caressing the corner of his screen. The movement felt natural even if Neon J couldn't feel anything in his current state. If Nova looked closely, he could just make out the vague outline of a circle burnt into the display. Neon J kept himself plugged in all night while he slept, so he imagined some time must need to pass before he awoke.

Nova took the opportunity to exit the bedroom and heat up some leftover chicken from the night before. While waiting for the microwave, he removed his smartphone from his hoodie pocket. If Neon J was to spend the night, his androids must be informed. Though Nova almost never contacted them personally, Neon J had given him their individual numbers just in case. Texting the second-in-command seemed like the natural thing to do, so he sent Rin a message.

_Rin, Neon J is feeling a bit under the weather and has decided to spend the night with me. He is currently offline but plugged in and charging. Please inform your brothers. Should you have an emergency and require assistance, call me. Otherwise, your captain will return home tomorrow._

He only had a moment to extract the hot plate from his microwave before his phone vibrated.

_again? i tried to tell him to stay home this morning. he should be fine tho after some rest. take good care of him, dj_

So the boys were aware of this affliction on some level. He couldn't decide if that was good or bad, but at least they had all been notified. If Neon J stayed over, he usually told them himself. Nova appreciated their compliance as well as their trust. He could only imagine the wrath the city would face if they thought their captain had been kidnapped.

Nova ate in silence. He scrolled through his social media feed a few times, but found himself unable to concentrate. He worried too much for the ailing soldier resting in his bedroom and began to contemplate.

Neon J talked - he talked quite often. He told all manner of war stories in a dramatic, passionate fashion. Stories of victory and defeat, loss and gain, genius strategies and failures. Yet the fact this evening was the most Nova had learned about Neon J's cybernetics for the entire duration of their relationship deeply bothered him. That story, perhaps the most pivotal of Neon J's life, and yet he knew not a thing about it. 

He wondered how many more stories Neon J must have like that. Worse than the grueling ones Nova had already heard, bottled up and tucked away on the neat little shelves of his mind. 

Festering.

Nova placed his dirty dishes into the dishwasher and grabbed a Dodo Pop from the freezer. That would be a conversation for the morning, perhaps, if Neon J was in the right mental state. For now, he would prepare for bed. He glanced at the screen as he walked in the room, pleased to see it unchanged from earlier. He finished his Dodo Pop and pulled out some pajamas.

Not long after, Nova turned out the light and joined Neon J in bed. Their heads dimly illuminated the room, Nova's a soft blue, Neon J's a harsher tinted green. It bothered Nova, once, but that had been long ago. Now, he found it rather comforting. 

Only minutes after laying down, he pulled Neon J into his embrace. Averse to physical contact he may be, but secretly, Nova knew he slept better surrounded by the stars.

\----

Nova woke up to a kick to his leg from a metal foot tangled beneath the sheets. It wasn't particularly violent or even painful, but the sudden, cold sensation snapped him awake. Judging from the light in the room, it was approaching dawn, but still incredibly early. After establishing that, he quickly checked on Neon J to ensure he was alright. 

The word 'OFFLINE' lazily bounced along the perimeter of the screen. Neon J must be finished charging, he deduced, since that was normally what his face looked like while sleeping. Hopefully, that movement was simply a spasm or a dream rather than anything painful. After a few minutes, Nova grew drowsy.

"Let me...let me…" Called a soft voice masked by static.

Drowsy no more, Nova resumed his vision only to see Neon J still offline. His food port clicked open and shut a few times. Lagging with sleep, it took a little while for Nova to understand what was happening.

"Why wouldn't you let me…" His hand twitched into a fist.

Indeed, it was a dream. Despite all their nights spent together, he had never witnessed Neon J dreaming before. He had expected him to experience a nightmare at some point, so much so he had almost begun to believe he had lost the ability. Silly, in hindsight. He had a brain, of course he could-

"Save?" His voice raised in distress. "No, stop-"

"Shh. You are safe." Nova whispered and focused on the task at hand. His hand rubbed circles into his back. "These current troubles actually exist light-years away from where you reside. Imagine yourself...imagine yourself in the den of your home. The boys play distantly upstairs. The fireplace crackles in a low roar, warm and comforting in the evening air. Purl-hew's cat rests fast asleep in your lap. You are at peace."

Nova held his breath. 

"Stupid cat…" Neon J's hand relaxed, along with Nova's entire body. 

He had no idea how to handle Neon J going through an actual episode. At least, for now, such an incident was kept at bay. Nova dozed on and off for the next couple of hours, relaxed, but unable to attain any further fulfilling REM sleep. He listened for any other stirring, but the other man had gone completely still.

Eventually, Nova's arm began falling asleep. The morning hour had arrived anyways, he should really consider waking up. Neon J's screen still displayed offline. With no other choice, Nova gradually flattened his arm and shrank it, further and further down until he could easily slip out from under Neon J's resting place. The other man breathed louder for a moment, but his sleep remained undisturbed. Nova slipped out of bed and readjusted his arm. Neon J must have truly felt exhausted if his hair trigger for the most minute sounds never activated.

Nova had plans to run errands today that would no longer come to fruition. He stayed quiet, opting to make a cup of coffee and read if it meant making the least possible amount of noise. To Nova's surprise, he heard a low groan come from the bedroom less than an hour later.

He hurried back to see Neon J in the midst of rebooting. A short 'LOADING' message appeared with three blinking ellipses, indicating Neon J was about half awake. Finally, the regular sonar appeared. It was actually still for several moments, before giving a slow, sluggish spin.

"Good morning, J." Nova placed a hand on his shoulder. "How are you feeling?"

"Nova…? Ugh, my neck is killing me." Neon J forced himself to sit up. "Did I spend the night? What time is it?"

"I'm not sure how you would have woken up in my bed otherwise, so yes, you did." His hand rubbed his shoulder. "Almost 10 am."

"That late…?" Neon J yanked out the charger from his head. "Okay. Right. We had a meeting, I fell out in the parking lot, and then…"

"You can't recall?"

"I remember…sort of...it's just...hazy." Neon J shook his head. He slid out of bed, swaying dangerously and putting a woozy hand to his screen. "I've bothered you long enough- I should- I should-"

"Easy, easy, take it easy now." Nove grasped his shoulders and slowly guided him back into the bed. He kneeled down to get to his level of vision. "J, you can still hardly stand. Are you in pain? Your cybernetics, are they working?"

"N-no no, I feel leagues better than yesterday." He placed one hand on Nova's own. "Those episodes are...draining. My cybernetics are fully charged and operational but...I'm still human."

"I see." Nova rubbed small circles around the bottom of his monitor with his thumb. "Did you have any plans for today? You should probably try to relax."

"I...I didn't...I…" Neon J froze for a moment. 

He stopped, then clutched his abdomen with his hands. Nova tensed, ready for him to vomit again. A sudden sound emitted from Neon J's insides - a furious, audible grumbling from the pit of his empty stomach. He tore away and turned his screen in the opposite direction in embarrassment. Nova forced back a laugh.

"Your body is starving." Nova stated. "Do you think you can eat? It'll certainly improve your condition."

"Ugh...I'll try." He raised a hand to grab Nova's again. "I'll need some assistance."

Nova granted his request and lifted him up. He carried him into the living room, placing him on the plush indigo couch longways. It mirrored his position in bed, but at least he had Nova within range. He tilted his screen as Nova walked back towards the kitchenette. 

"Let's see…" Nova opened up the freezer side of the fridge. He maneuvered around the stacks of loose Mr. Dodo Pops, finding two frozen smoothies in the back of it. "Do you want mango or berry?"

"Can't taste it." Neon J sighed. "Doesn't matter."

"Okay." Nova replied, slightly taken aback. "Alright…"

It only took a moment to shake it out of the container and into the blender, then a few minutes more to break it up into pieces small enough to consume through a straw. He poured it into a glass and topped it with another straw from Neon J's personal box. 

"Here." Nova returned to his side and held it towards his throat.

"I can hold it this time…" Neon J muttered and took it from his hands. Nova wasn't entirely convinced, still noting the slight shake in his hands. But he was a little more stable, so he would allow the man to do something for himself. Nova sat down on the opposite end of the couch.

Click. The straw slipped into place. Neon J didn't say anything as he took a few sips. Nova said nothing either, allowing him to enjoy his meal in peace. At least until he noticed him drinking it down at an increasingly rapid pace.

"Slow down. You'll get a brain freeze like that." Nova teased. Neon J stopped drinking.

"Can't get one." Neon J replied flatly, not even entertaining the banter.

"Are you always this irritable when you're hungry?" It was a half-joking yet half-serious question. 

"I'm not!" Neon J had slowed down, if not minutely. 

"Then you're acting off." He pulled himself a little closer. "Either I've been incredibly insensitive towards you the entire duration of our relationship and just noticed, or something is bothering you."

"I'm-" He sighed. "I don't like being reminded."

"I've always referred to you just as I would anyone else, despite your condition." He tilted his orb. "Would treating you differently not serve as even more of a reminder? Or have I misunderstood?"

"It's not...Nova, it's not you. Not really, anyways." He paused to take a drink, Nova had a feeling he was buying time. "This whole malfunction of mine happens pretty regularly every couple of months. Used to be every couple of weeks. And every time it happens, I...think about things."

"Pertaining to what?" Nova grew curious, now.

"A whole arsenal of thoughts."

"Elaborate."

"Nova." He huffed. "Being a cyborg...and sometimes I think- I mean...nevermind."

"No. Tell me." Nova demanded. Neon J tucked his legs against his body and turned away. He took a long, slow drink until the glass was empty.

"Sometimes I think about...if things turned out differently." He fidgeted. "Better?"

"If you had remained human?" Nova relieved him of the glass and stood to take it to the dishwasher.

"More realistically. Like, if…" He spoke barely above a whisper. "If that crash had just killed me."

The glass in Nova's hand fell to the ground with a loud crack, bounced, then shattered on impact. Neon J nearly jumped out of his shell at the noise and pressed himself back onto the couch. Nova tried to approach him, only for Neon J to cower.

"Ack! Forget it, forget it." He held his hands up. "Forget I said anything! I knew you wouldn't like it, but you forced my hand!"

"I'm sorry, I-...I'm not mad, it was an accident." Nova stepped around the glass shards to sit down next to Neon J in the space where he had pulled up his legs. "I just- I didn't expect- you can't tell me you really feel that way? Truly?"

"Not often, anymore." Neon J stared at his lap. "This chronic pain just reminds me of how limited I really am."

"You've gone through hell and back and lived to tell the tale." Nova put his hand on his knee. "This episode will pass, just as the rest of them have."

"The pain, sure. But the rest…" He raised his hands to his face and clenched them. Nova sat, waiting for him to finish, but he never did.

"What horrible thought are you thinking this time?" Nova braced himself now. 

"Oh, you're _really_ not gonna like this one." Neon J uncurled his fists.

"I was afraid of that. But it's evident to me we need to start confronting these issues."

Neon J sighed. He looked up at him, then looked away. Somewhere at the wall, or perhaps far further off than that.

"Sometimes I…" He paused. "I-I think it might be better if we stopped seeing each other, too." 

Nothing could have prepared him for that answer. Nova stopped breathing for a moment. His mind raced with thought, trying to understand what he had done. Just moments ago, he had made headway into Neon J's problems. Hadn't he?

"What?" Nova gasped softly, putting his hands on Neon J's shoulders. "No, no. J. J, if there's anything I said at all, please-"

"It's not you. Jesus Christ! Of course it's not you!" Neon J's voice picked up speed and pitch as he began to ramble. "All these things about me that won't change. It's not fair for you to be burdened by me! My body aches, I can't smell or taste, I can barely see-"

"J, listen-"

"I can barely eat, my limbs are always cold, I have to plug myself in constantly or I'll die-" 

"Stop-"

"I can't provide anything physical in our relationship because I don't have-"

"NONE of that-"

"Even if none of that matters to you, it matters to me!" Neon J slapped his hand against his chest. "I'm tired of you pretending you don't deserve better than someone slowly dying in a piece of shit rust bucket!"

"I know exactly what I deserve," Nova growled, somewhere between anger and desperation. "And I deserve to have whatever I want. And I want you, regardless of-"

"I appreciate your kindness towards me, Nova, but this can't be what you want." 

"J, this is ridiculous." Nova put an exasperated hand to his orb. "You think I'm doing this to be kind? Because I have _such_ a reputation for my kindness-"

"I'm a cyborg, so you-"

"Enough! Stop interrupting me, you've gone on quite long enough with your relentless rambling." He boomed and gestured to himself. "I'm DJ Subatomic Supernova, J. Most individuals have to pay to even look in my direction. Do you think I'm only dating you because you're a charity case? Let's consider all of yesterday's events alone! Do you honestly think I would have invited you over, knowing full well you were ill, if I found you unworthy of my time? Allowed you to rest in my personal chambers, out of kindness? That I would rub your back while you vomited and clean the sick dripping off your face, just because I happen to pity you? Look at me and tell me I would be willing to do that for any other soul on this miserable planet."

Nova stared him down, realizing he had unconsciously shifted a foot taller. Soft radar pinging filled the silence for several moments.

"You are mad at me." Neon J responded at last.

"Oh my God, I am absolutely _furious_ , because you aren't even listening!" Nova groaned. "You're projecting your own ridiculous self loathing onto me."

"Ridiculous? Ridiculous?!" He raised up onto his knees to get on his level, bracing his elbow against the arm of the couch for support. "Do you know how much you'd hate yourself if you suddenly woke up like this?! Had to relearn how to walk, talk and eat?! Begged everyone to put you out of your fucking misery but the world needed you?! Forgive me for looking for a reason for your madness!" He poked a finger into Nova's chest for emphasis.

"I require no rational reasons." Nova wrapped his hand around Neon J's and lowered it. "I do all those things because I love you. That is all."

Neon J stared at him, several quiet pings of his radar occupying the silence. Slowly, quietly, the bottom half of his screen began to flicker and distort with static. He sobbed a little and hid his display with his hands. 

Nova pulled his partner into his lap and wrapped his arms around his form. Neon J remained curled in a ball, frantic static bubbling from his throat, but made no move to resist. He hadn't yet returned to his default size quite yet, which served him all the better for giving a comforting embrace. His thumb traced slow, steady circles around the small of his back.

"I recall you responding this way when I told you that the first time." Nova mused. "I'd never seen your screen do that before. Either way, not the answer I expected from a confession."

"A-asshole…" Neon J took a few sharp breaths. "I th-thought you were a madman. Or making fun of me."

"I meant it then, and I mean it now." 

"Then you're still a madman." He started to calm down a little. 

"Maybe." Nova relaxed his arms, though he still had his body in a light hold. 

"You act like one. You have all these grand plans, yet you waste your free time with me.” Neon J paused. “Doesn't add up. I keep waiting for you to realize that."

"That…" Nova would have agreed, prior to actually meeting Neon J. He thought he had sworn off relationships years ago in order to dedicate himself to furthering his career. Meeting someone who matched his wits, consumed his thoughts, and reciprocated his feelings never factored into his future goals. "It's not time wasted."

"You hesitated."

"It is _not_!" He shouted. "It's true I have grand plans for the future. But you are a part of them."

"Oh? How's that?" Neon J leaned back stiffly to look at him.

"Well...I'm-I'm working on it." Nova answered. To his surprise, Neon J let out a chuckle. "When I become avatar of the earth, you will play a significant part. Perhaps we could-"

"Nova?" 

"You wanted me to explain!" He huffed.

"I've been significant to the earth half my goddamn life." Neon J settled into his side, and Nova felt a slow, warm exhale of breath from the back of his head. "It's hard. Why do you want all that?"

"Well…" Nova thought for a moment. Neon J knew of his ambitions, but he had never actually questioned them before now. "It's true you've had incredible accomplishments and victories that will affect the course of humanity. That is no doubt admirable, but small in the grand scheme of the galaxy, or the entire universe."

"Hold on-" Neon J raised a finger, Nova could practically feel him bristling.

"Ah-ah." Nova shushed. "I am not claiming your endeavors are pointless or in vain. It is simply an undeniable fact of a cruel universe, is it not?" 

"I mean….I guess." Neon J relaxed again. "Continue."

"I simply wish to outlast that. A legacy that lasts not lifetimes, but millennia." He said wistfully. Neon J tapped on his orb.

"You'll be _dead_." He punctuated his statement with a flick of his fingers. Nova's gut felt a little cold at the thought.

"I'll-ow, stop that-" Nova swatted his hand away. "I'll have achieved immortality by putting my name throughout the known universe!"

"But you'll be dead, and then it won't matter." He shrugged, though only one of his shoulders went up. "We have to focus on what matters now, Nova. And you think I have issues."

"Now? Well, at present, I’m focused on your wish for death. I think that's just a touch worse than wishing for eternity." He traced Neon's spine with his finger. "A lot of people need you. Not just me. You've got five boys at home who still need you, and they love you as a father."

"I don't need you to tell me that." He sighed. "Don't worry. I would never do something so traumatic to them. I couldn't."

"I should hope not." Nova relaxed back onto the couch. 

"I apologize for getting a little….dramatic." 

The topic was back on Neon J, and Nova breathed a sigh of relief.

"Neon J, apologizing? For being dramatic? Surely the end of days must be upon us." Neon J let out a genuine half chuckle. "If you ever need anything at all, J, know that I am here for you."

"Well..." Neon J perked up. From the tone of voice, it sounded like he wanted to change the subject. "Can I take you up on that?"

"Of course." 

Therapy would behoove Neon J, but that was an argument they could have another day. Baby steps.

"Since we're already like this...go to the base of my neck." He swiveled around, back facing Nova, and pointed to a spot near his neck on the left. "Something's still locked up from yesterday. I can barely turn my head."

Nova did as instructed, moving up to the area near his shoulder. His fingers detected quite the oddity - a near rock solid little lump, bundled up tight near his neck. Neon J rolling his shoulder the previous night flashed through his mind. 

"That one. I need you to-" Before Neon J could finish his instructions, Nova had already pressed his thumb into the knot. Neon J hissed in pain, which made Nova withdraw on reflex. "Nova. Put it back."

"Apologies, I thought I hurt you."

"You can't hurt me more than anyone else has, trust me."

Nova worked his thumb into the area less abruptly this time. It shifted under his touch with enough force, and the rest of Neon J's body flinched in response. He kneaded slow, circular motions into the flesh - or, whatever equivalent - willing the malfunction to release. A half-stifled grunt forced itself from Neon J's throat. Nova rolled his orb, but he knew stopping again would result in-

"Ah," He felt something suddenly click back into place under his hand. "There we go."

A soft, breathy sound, then Nova was rewarded with a synthesized keen of relief. 

"That felt fantastiiiic~" Neon J half sang. He stretched his arms over his head and rolled his head around experimentally. 

"You're definitely feeling better, if you're singing." Nova mused. "Perhaps now you'll be a little less belligerent towards me."

"No promises!" Neon J laughed, then shifted to press his screen into Nova's glass surface with a tingling spark of electric current. He put his feet to the ground and raised with a stretch, only to hear a soft crunching of glass. "Hmm, we better clean that up before you step in it next."

Nova watched the shift of his spine, his synthetic skin, the cybernetic muscles fibers running down his back with mild interest. He reminded himself of the great amount of trust Neon J had placed into his possession already. It would take some time, yes, but Nova was certain that mysterious story was now almost within reach. He would be there whenever Neon J was ready.

(Though Nova had yet to realize it, someday, Neon J would be there for Nova when he was ready, too.)

**Author's Note:**

> i decided to take a break from JoCS to write this! i had a dream about writing a neon j sickfic, and the term 'autotuned retching' was in my mind when i woke up. i think theres a lot of cool unexplored stuff about neon j's body, stuff i won't even be able to get into in my other fic, so i put it here. i hope you enjoyed!


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